An open letter to the out of touch, overeducated, nasty, no good Democratic losers

I am an American through and through. What I mean is I chose to be born this way. The American way. It’s the only way I’ve ever known and I’m proud to be American with red, white and blue blood.

I said, “Lord, send me to Pennsylvania and make me white, Christian and connected…but not too connected. Like one or two blacks at school around a couple of Parks and Kims. It’ll be terrific.”

And you know what? I worked real hard at that my whole life and created tremendous wealth.

Despite my hard work things changed. I saw it right before my eyes. People got greedy. These are people…how do I say this…these are people who, if you ask me, regret their choice. They regret their choice of being born into a certain race, religion, economic class or country – these people made bad choices and regret it…and now want to take away part of the American dream – That’s where I say we have draw the line.

I am for free trade, an improved economy and the American work ethic. I am a pure capitalist, through and through. I also want less government intervention, so that the free market can determine a fair value for goods. That’s why I want my next government to fix the free market, as well as NAFTA. They can do this by setting up laws and tariffs that chop off the invisible hand of globalization, free trade and the dirty underhanded capitalism that Mexico and China use. I mean, when these people get their mittens on what’s rightfully mine, it really starts to sound like some races and countries regret their choices. If they like capitalism so much, why didn’t they choose to be American in the first place?

I’m tired of being called a racist or a xenophobe or a bigot. Those are words for the overeducated, fancier-than-thou elites. I honor and cherish the Constitution of the United States. And I am also tired of the establishment being so soft on terrorism. That’s why our country with its First Amendment rights to religious freedom and free speech allows me not only the right but the duty to say no more Muslims. Is asking for a Muslim free version of freedom of religion too much to ask?

Look, as a Christian…no, as an American Christian, which really is the best brand, we really have to start to protect ourselves. And our jobs. And we can’t do that with guns alone. Sure, a gun in every American home is a great start to Christian religious freedom. But we gotta think bigger than guns in American homes alone. Think guns in the world’s homes!

Hear me out. This country has a national debt that needs to be reigned in. And we have these countries asking for help, whining for us to please send food, medicine or money. But we don’t have any money because we have been at war for a long time now. It’s a war that I’m against. And if you’re thinking what I’m thinking, then you’re thinking about a certain commodity that we do have a surplus of, mentioned in the previous paragraph.

We can sell them guns! We make it a fair price and ensure that the government gets a cut from sales, and from the profits we make from corporate gun sales to poor countries, we can pay for the American national debt AND help countries learn to sort out their own damn problems. It’s a win-win situation. The national debt comes down, corporate gun sales go up, and peace breaks out like wild fire. Heck, by increasing demand overseas, I predict it will result in a drop in the supply side for our own gun problem in American cities. And towns. And schools. And homes. And that’s like a win-win-win. A triple win!

And speaking of those gun toting corporations that are going to pay for our national debt, I think it’s high time we reduce the burden that they bare and finally take some weight off of their shoulders by lowering corporate taxes. I mean, if they are going to be doing the heavy lifting don’t you think they deserve a break?

As for illegal immigrants, well, let me tell you a thing or two. If we are to keep up our lifestyle of eating at amazing restaurants, having affordable maids, and dirt cheap yet amazing grounds keepers, then we are going to require better jobs to pay for them. I mean, the people I hire at twenty dollars a day from south of the boarder are clearly taking jobs from my fellow Americans. That’s why we need to kick these illegals out of here. Tell them to build a wall for 20 dollars a day before they go. Or, if they won’t do it, hire some American’s to build the wall and ask the illegals to pay them 20 dollars a day. If someone’s going to be exploited, I say we get back to basics and start to right here at home. Let honest to goodness Americans starting to do these tasks for once.

We need to listen to the people and be more logical, fair and reasonable about our policies. That’s what the election was about. For example I am all for science, facts and truth. But when they start to get in the way of what I want..or contradict what I believe… well, then we got a problem. That’s when I say it’s time for some new facts.

I want jobs. Not just blow jobs, or hand jobs, or any old jobs. I want old-fashioned jobs like in the 1950’s when everything was allwhite. I mean alright. Let’s make cars, widgets, rotary telephones, and asbestos. Let’s get innovative and think of a thousand new uses for Jell-O.

Let’s deregulate the coal and oil industry. There are so many regulations on these good corporate citizens that they are being strangled by the legislators, by people who subscribe to the Chinese hoax of climate change. And good American jobs are being lost! I say create jobs, bring back coal and oil and, to borrow from a famous person who wouldn’t mind my quoting him, let them achieve economic liberty by any means necessary. I’m going to say it, I’m sorry, but that also includes fracking. I say we can do this, and clean up the water supply, all at the same time. How do we do this? We put coal and oil magnates in charge of the environment. If they broke it, who would be better positioned to know how to fix it?

As for healthcare, who the hell said it was about Health? Or Caring? This is America you liberal pussies. And that’s why our next president is going to do things to the Patient Protection and Affordable care act that need to be done. Some of you will be saying no, but we all know that no sometimes no means yes. It’s like begging to have it done. We will leave parts of it in place, an orifice or two. But for the most part, we will be putting more holes in it.

Healthcare in this country is like a fluffy white Care Bear, but I say it needs to be a grizzly bear and get out there and hunt or be hunted. Hunt for your health! Get your jowls bathed in the blood of another. Find a weaker host so that you can maintain your vitality. Where is the fun in basic healthcare? We are the world’s largest, scariest, most cutthroat, white, Christian, capitalist economy for God’s sake! This evil, socialist basic healthcare idea needs to be strangled and left like a dead hooker, forgotten in the closet.

As for misogyny? Well, I don’t even know what that word means. Could someone please offer me a useful definition? Someone? I’ve been asking, but no one can tell me. I hear it bandied about ALL THE TIME. I’m pretty sure it’s code for: I went to Ivy League college and I’m socially elite.

And speaking of college, don’t go to some hoity-toity University and study History, Liberal Arts, English or…I didn’t even believe you could study this but I assure you it’s a real thing…Gender Studies! I’m sorry, but if you study something like History for example, then I don’t feel sorry for when you can’t find a job in this economy we are going to create. You certainly wasted your parents’ money. Or, if your parents didn’t love you enough to pay for your schooling and lend you a million dollars to get started in business, you probably borrowed money from institutions from which you can’t even declare bankruptcy! Suckers. Always borrow money from a place you can somehow rip off. Trump’s rule number 1. I gleaned that from some lecturer I heard passing through the halls of Trump University. What’s rule number 2? Well, University is about making money so you can get a job and be part of capitalism. Don’t like it? Well, start your own fake university, wealth institute, or entrepreneurial initiative. Or be poor. I don’t care. It’s your choice. This is America!

But as far as I’m concerned, study something useful at school. But don’t get overeducated. The fewer people studying German History, the better. The fewer people developing critical thinking skills, the better. The fewer people producing satire, better still. These will never be useful skills. Not in the country we are going to create. I’d personally like to see them eliminated from any and all curricula. This is the plan. This is how together we can Make America Great Again.