How I conquered India and other obvious lies

India, wow, it’s just nothing like Indiana.

India was 38 degrees C (100 F) and 86% humidity.  I asked my brother in law what it was like during the colder months, and he informed me these were the colder months.

Fortunately, I was prepared for winter with appropriate garments.  Despite the heat I dressed in long sleeved shirts and pants because of the kocu (Koh-zoo, mosquitos).   The kocu really like the taste of the vellai manitan (white man).  I did try to trick the insects by wearing a dhoti (dress) to blend in with the locals, but the Indian mosquitos saw right past my disguise.  Allusions to Incognito Mosquito were met with silence.

In fact, almost all of my hilarious jokes fell flat.  It was a real shame, because I was particularly funny and those jokes will forever be wasted.

In India I was routinely stopped by strangers who either said Vellai manitan! or, if they spoke English, requested a few selfies.  Sure, I’m kinda big in India.  I guess you could say I’m a celebrity! But I grew weary of my fame. For example, I have no idea who this family below is but we took lots of photos together.  

This photo below captures my two favorite, everyday household items in Madurai.  The first is the Thotil, which is a baby cradle made of a saree, an Indian dress.  It rocked SaiDan in to a very deep sleep several times a day.

My second favorite item from India is what looks like a tennis racket in my sister in law’s hands.  Instead of string made of nylon, the netting is made of wire which carries electric current. When you see a kocu near the white man or his baby, everyone shouts kocu!, kocu!, kocu! and you get that racket and smack at it.  If successful, you thump the sucker before seeing a spark and watching a it fry.  Then everyone shouts for joy like we scored a point.  Pakium was a skilled kocu! hunter and knew all of their favorite hiding spots along the windows, shelves and walls.

This is a much better solution than Karpa’s.  My loving wife sometimes took it upon herself to try to kill the mosquitoes when they were allegedly still on me.  “Kocu, Kocu,” she would say and hit me on the head.  So unsuccessful! I vociferously objected to her technique, but this trip revealed a different part of Karpa’s character.  Karpa is a deceptively kind person, and in India she is a bit of an Empress.  She repeatedly used spin and public relations techniques that I found astonishing.  She explained how she would never hit another person, that she barely tapped me.   It was not a smack, punch or anything pugilistic.  She was merely after the mosquito, but he got away.

Again, I would ask.

Yes again!  A big mosquito. Black.

When not locked at home or being abused by my well meaning wife, Iexplored a lot of temples in India.  A parallel that I thought of in India is that India seems to have as many temples as America has corporations.  Instead of McDonald’s, each community has 5 or 6 temples.  I think that’s nicer.

Each temple is like a museum with a thousand pieces of intricate artwork, stone carvings, etc.  But you can see how some of it is of a higher quality than others.  You can also see how the tradition has devolved into some really tacky statues that you find dropped all around the place.  Most notably, watch in the images below as  the temple artwork gradually fades to the inevitable conclusion of a giant, tacky shark.

Of course, India has different flora and fauna, most notably kurunku (kor-un-gu/ monkey) and yanai (yar-neh elephant).  But there are also common street cattle everywhere and the boy below was fond of his chicken.

My brother in law took very good care to take me sight seeing.  We went to Courtallam falls, where we bathed in the water.  The power of the falls was amazing, you couldn’t see a thing and it was borderline painful.  At one point, I thought I was going to be swept down through the bridge vy the current, but one of Godwin’s friends grabbed my arm.  I assumed he would take me to safety, but instead he pulled me deeper under the water because I was being a real pussy.  I later learned that this is a place Hindus take people suffering from distress, as the holy falls are a panacea for the mentally ill.

Buying things was a challenge.  There are regular prices and tourist prices.  This market was outside of Godwin and Pakium’s house and comes each Tuesday to the neighborhood.  They still weigh things out with old balancing scales, but you will see digital scales right beside them. I was not allowed to shop with my in laws because they would raise the price when seeing such a fine white man like myself.

People carry items on their head all the time and everywhere; and you see symbols that have been corrupted by other cultures.

The museums were in need of updating.  Of note at the Government museum of Chenai is the mix of ancient religious stonework mixed with shitty, modern sculpture.  Verrrrry Indian.

Inside the museum there was a a Crucifixion post, and a phrenology chart in need of updating.  The most recent crucifixion was in 1852.  The most recent use of racial prejudice and stereotyping just happened again a few moments ago.  Oh, there it happened again. 

Also, Indians had their own boomerangs, which I had assumed were purely Aboriginal Australian tool.

The Ghandi Museum in Madurai is a place I could have spent much more time admiring.  Great history, a remarkable, saintly man.  Again, notice the shitty T-Rex juxtaposing the spiritual place. Soooo Indian!

We were also taken to Vaigai Dam, a hydroelectric power station, and given an exclusive, behind the scenes tour.

We also passed by salt mines.  I’ve never seen this before, but it is how salt is extracted.  They pump sea water into pools, and let the water evaporate.  Then they plow the salt into piles.  I stole some and brought it back with me to Australia.  I don’t feel guilty because the Government charged me white man prices to get into the museums, and 3 grains of salt was about the cost of what i paid.  God, I’m just like Ghandi.

The Prime Minister of India, Narendra Modi, is a character.  He’s positioned India quite well on the global stage, but is often criticized for failing to meet the needs of everyday Indians.  India is corrupt, and cash is often used to bribe politicians and people of influence.

Well, 2 years into his 4 year term, he brought in all of the ministers and and politicians, and made a surprise announcement in front of the press.  In one fell swoop, Modi outlawed the largest currency notes of 500 and 1000 rupees.  Overnight, they were no longer legal tender.  Those with cash earned legally could return it to the banks in exchange for the new legal tender of 2000 rupee notes (but only withdrawing  4000/day).  But those who had a difficult time explaining where their extra wads of cash came from (including cash stored in Swiss bank accounts) would be out of luck, or at least have to pay tax on it.
Everyday Indians liked this very, very much.  Not only did it stick it to the corrupt people (many of whom are likely the very politicians who Modi made the announcement in front of), but there were economic consequences that would benefit everyday people.  Immediate effects were to drive down inflation.  Furthermore, the influx of cash allowed banks to increase their lending rates for home buyers and small businesses.

Tourists were likely out of luck.  Without a bank account, I don’t know what most people did.  Fortunately, I had recently been cheated out of my money by purchasing souvenirs.

I use the word cheated loosely, but the man from Mahapalipuram cleared me out.  The town of Mahapalipuram had craftsmen everywhere.   According to a tour guide, centuries ago they had to be the best stone masons in the land because if they made a mistake, the rulers killed them.  Anyway, these craftsmen are always on the lookout for a sucker.  And I must have looked like a cartoonish, white lollipop walking down the street.  Anyway, I was happy to follow this man back to his home where he showed me marble carvings.  They were intricate, and of the best quality.  He took all of my cash and I had to transfer another 7000 rupees to him on top of what he took.  But I love my stone idols and feel the money I spent was well worth the trade.