Setting: Board Meeting of the National Academy of Sciences. Many scientists sit around a board room table.
Chair: And if there are no new orders of business, I will accept a Motions to close the meeting.
Scientist # 1: Actually, before we close I have a new order of business.
Chair: And?
Scientist # 1: It’s about the name of The Journal.
Scientist #2: Jesus. Not again.
Scientist #3: (Puts head in hand) This is getting old, Dr. Franklin.
Scientist #1: Yeah, but things have changed.
Scientist #3: How have things changed?
Scientist #2: The Journal has had the same name since 1914. It’s been The Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. It should remain the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.
Scientist #1: PNAS. Or, if we want to maintain the grammatical consistency, PNASes.
Chair: Excuse me, Dr. Franklin. Where are you going with this?
Scientist #1: When people read The Journal online, on social media sites, it sounds like the Penis Journal.
Chair: Well, you don’t say? I never considered that.
Scientist #1: Well, I do. I hear it every day. My 14 year old son makes fun of me. “Did you look at the Penis Journal today, Mom? Did anything come out of the Penis journal that I should see, Mom? Are your going to put anything into the penis journal. It’s ridiculous.”
Scientist #2: I’m sorry to hear that you’re having domestic issues with a sophomoric teenager, Dr. Franklin. But I’m afraid there is a tradition we must uphold! We are the custodians of that tradition. The Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences has been described by the public as “prestigious”, “sedate”,”renowned”, and “high impact”. Our reputation precedes us. Since 1915, we have been PNAS, and the reach of PNAS is only getting bigger.
Scientist #1: Couldn’t we change the name to the Findings of the National Academy of Sciences, FNAS? Or the Data of the National Academy of Sciences, DNAS? or something which captures the current zeitgeist?
Scientist #3: (Sarcastically) Or the Publications of the National Academy of Sciences, PNAS.
Scientist #1: You see? You see that there! That’s the boys club behaviour that I’m always talking about.
Scientist #2: Boys club? Of what are you speaking?
Scientist #3: Frankly, I’m offended that you would mention this notion of Boys Club, Dr. Franklin.
Scientist #1: Oh, sure. As if you don’t know what I am talking about! Happy to hear PNAS coming from my mouth; but as soon as I hold someone accountable and the words “Boys’ Club” comes from my mouth, then you get offended.
Scientist #2: Let the record reflect that I’m both offended by the name change, and the mention of the Boy’s Club. Utterly preposterous.
Scientist #3: I might mention that the chair and the journal editor is currently a woman!
Scientist #1: As if there isn’t a Boy’s Club. Most of our Editors have been men. Granted, this year we have a woman as our esteemed Editor. But from its inception, this journal has been a Boys Club. You all should know that the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences was a name coined as a joke by F. Scott Fitzgerald. He thought it would be a funny acronym. Got cut from the football team, gets drunk, hangs out with the geeky science crowd and suggests the name at a party. Ha Ha Ha, Fitzgerald. Bravo. Bravo indeed. Slides a silly Penis joke into the history of the United States of America’s Science publications.
Scientist #3: Perhaps his finest metaphor. What? Can’t I make a fucking joke? I’m kidding!
Chair: (Whacking the gavel) Order. I demand Order. Ok, Dr. Franklin. I will grant you the floor to make your case.
Scientist #2: Boys Club? Boys Club? It’s like they are playing the #MeToo card.
Chair: Order. That’s enough out of you Dr. Rohypnol. Dr. Franklin: The floor is yours.
Scientist #1: Esteemed Colleagues. In the past 5 years, we have seen an explosion in social media with unintended and unanticipated consequences. For goodness sake, Facebook demonstrated that they could change emotions of entire groups without the groups being aware of it. We published the unethical science in our own Journal despite it not having informed consent! Not long after that, we published the World Economics Forum announced that Fake News might cause Western Society to crinkle under the weight of its lies. Yet, when I present this information at an international conference, I must cite the PNAS journal. People hear this as The Penis Journal. I suggest we are faced with a credibility problem. How is the average citizen meant to interpret the PNAS journal and determine if it is credible or not? We need a more distinguished acronym. I move that we change the name to the Veritable Journal of the International Academy of Sciences, VJINAS.
Scientist #3: Seriously? VJNAS?
Scientist #2: That doesn’t make any sense. It’s a terrible name.
Scientist #3: Yeah. It also sounds a lot like Vaginas.
Scientist #1: I move that we change The Journal’s name.
Chair: There is a motion on the floor.
Scientist #4: I second the motion.
Chair: All in favour?
Scientist #1:( Scowls at crowd).
Crowd: Aye.
Scientist #2 and #3: Neigh.
Chair. The Aye’s have it. Henceforth, The Journal will be known as the Veritable Journal of the International Academy of Sciences, VJINAS.
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